How to be a Good Dom

Let’s get this out of the way: we’ve all seen Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes, I mean all of us. Even the guy who’s going “It’s just not for me” right now. Yeah okay, Dylan. Sure. The intrigue and fascination of dom/sub relationships that has grown within the mainstream media no doubt began in 2015 when Fifty Shades of Grey was released and dominated (no pun intended) the box office. The film infamously got a lot of heat for, at times, not accurately portraying Dom and Sub relationships/culture. This article will focus on being a Dom specifically in the bedroom, as opposed to the relationship between a Dom and Sub in public settings. Here are just a few tips for our dazzling Doms to be the best of the best.

What does it mean to be a Dom?

Shut Up! Ball Gag, @vitaccamichele

Firstly, let me serve some Webster realness. Being a ‘Dom’ means the act of having sexual dominance. A submissive is the act of sexual submission to that Dom. The relationship between both partners is intriguing, exciting, stimulating and can be equally pleasurable for all involved. Being a good, top notch Dom requires rules and an understanding of what it really takes to satisfy both parties. This specific type of BDSM play is a place for consenting adults to explore their sexual fantasies and role-plays. The idea of ‘domming’ is a turn on for certain individuals as it is an opportunity for someone to act in ways they fantasize about, that excite them sexually and create excitement from the specific Dom/Sub dynamic. It’s not just moaning “Oh Mr. Grey” into someone’s ear, you know?

Consent is like, so, hot. 

Untamed Leather Blindfold with Ball Gag, @vitaccamichele

Consent is always the most important thing in a Dom/Sub sexual relationship. A Dom should never force their sub to do something they do not agree with. Force is definitely not the point of being a good dom. A common misconception about domming is that it requires no emotional empathy. A good dom will always create a feeling of safety where their sub can feel most safe to be vulnerable. It is often suggested that to be the best Dom, you have to have experienced the submissive role at least once before. This way the Dom can experience that specific role and relate to the experience, to make their skills in domming all the more pleasurable. It is also important for Doms to understand nonverbal communication as well. It is extremely important that before a Dom/Sub sexual encounter, that both parties understand each others desires, needs and limits.

Better Safe Than Sorry

Mischievous Neck and Wrist Restraint, @HernandoTaniko


That brings us to the use and importance of safe words. Most people, even as submissive as they are, have limits. It is important that a Dom and Sub discuss their safe words prior, to make sure no boundaries are crossed. A Dom may be in the power position, however this BDSM play still requires trust and consent to work the most effectively. Always remember that being a Dom is not a chance to walk all over someone. The other person is being submissive willingly, meaning they are also getting something out of the relationship/encounter. 

Now these are just a few tips to make a good dom. There are many more tips and tricks to perfecting a dom/sub experience. If it's something new for you, don't put too much pressure on yourself or your partner. It's all about experience, and you know what they say: practice makes perfect! 

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