How to Hook Up With The Masked Serial Killer
There’s something sexy about masked killers in the movies you’ve seen: Michael Meyers, Jason Voorhees, and Billie Loomis. They're mysterious, confident, strong, resilient, and manly. They're also a bit crazy, but that's besides the point.
Maybe tonight is the night you hook up with the Masked Serial Killer.
They must be masked, to further emphasize the mystery. We don’t even know what they look like, let alone much about their personality. And can you imagine the physique on a guy like that? Guys like Michael Meyers are hard to kill for a reason. And with that great physique, comes great stamina. So be prepared for a long night.
When preparing to seduce the masked killer, make sure to eliminate the competition. The pizza guy and the busty blonde babe next door are the key targets to any serial killer. How do you occupy them for the night? First: cut the electricity to the busty blonde’s house. It will look like nobody’s home. Next, order her a pizza. The pizza guy will deliver it, and they won’t leave the house for a good while.
Now that that is taken care of, make yourself look the part for the cat and mouse game that is sure to come. For girls, they just wear panties and a white t-shirt. Oversized or crop top shirts work well. For men, however, you need to be topless, or have a plain white muscle t-shirt on. Back in the day, plaid boxers were a staple in this category, but nowadays the underwear is more versatile. You could wear a thong, boxer briefs, or regular briefs. Just make sure, whatever you wear, is a plain simple colour.
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Why plain? Serial killers want to go for the good boy. The boy next door who helps his neighbours and is adored by everyone. The one that people will surely miss. He wants to make headlines.
But so do you.
Now that you’ve taken care of the outfit and the obstacles, it’s time to set the mood. Grab one of the neighbours kids and tuck them into your bed upstairs (if they cry and try to leave, lock the door). Pour a glass of wine, get some popcorn ready, and put on a scary movie. While the popcorn pops, call a friend and talk about popstar boys from the magazines, or TikTok, or whatever the kids are on these days (if you don’t have friends, just make a fake phone call. The killer won’t know). Make sure ALL windows have a clear view of the inside. The killer will catch a glimpse, and then it begins.
The game will either begin with a knock on the front door, or a mysterious call from an unknown number. This information is very important. If he knocks on the door, that means he will try to sneak through the back, and that he is a dominant top. If he calls to tease you, then he’s a little more flexible and is distracting you while he scales the tree to slides in through an upstairs window. Potentially a bottom, but could also be vers. To let them in, you want to stay by the front door. Once you lock the front door, it’s time to have fun.
First, you’ll need to check on that kid upstairs. Make sure he’s sound asleep. Around this time is when you’ll hear the first noise in the house. Was that a trophy that just fell? A bowling ball? An heirloom? Go investigate downstairs.
Turns out it was a knife from the kitchen. You pick it up, and notice that one is missing. This is also good information. Why? It means you a) Don’t have the wrong person in your house, and b) that this serial killer does not have a gun. It means they’ll have to get up close and personal with you. And that’s what we want.
Now, in case things go awry, you need a weapon of your own. Walk into the living room, and grab the Fire Pit Poker Stick. You know the one I’m talking about. It’s heavy, sharp, but adds a little distance between you and our masked man. As you grab the weapon, the killer will make his first sighting in the corner of your eye. This is where you will a nice glimpse at his physique. Is he wearing a dark cloak? 90’s boyfriend jeans? Big black boots? And don’t forget: the mask.
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Now it’s time to investigate. Slowly lurk around the house, making yourself available to any jump scare or distraction. Walk past a vase. Slowly creep down a hallway. Suddenly open the basement door. Give it a second, and then he will appear. Standing at the end of the hall. Menacingly. At this point, you need to pretend to be scared. Lightly shake the weapon in your hands as if you’re trembling. Pace your breaths. As you stare at each other, looking directly past the dark holes in his eye mask, and say: “What do you want?”
He’ll probably remain silent, but that’s when you turn around and run. But don’t run. Just a light jog. Before you turn the corner, make sure you look back, to see if he’s still standing there. If he is, then you got him.
But the game isn’t over yet.
As you run up the stairs, you need to lose your footing and trip. When you trip, make sure all assets can be seen. Pause there for a moment, and look at him at the bottom of the stairs. He needs to know how clumsy you are, and that you’re an easy target. His guard will slowly fall when he sees this. Now get back up and run into the bedroom, letting out a faint call for help. But not too loud, you won’t actually need help, and you also don’t want to wake the kid up.
Run into your bedroom and slip under the bed. A traditional hiding spot. He will know that you’re there, but to scare you, he won’t look there first. He’ll check the closet, the ensuite, under the pile of clothes left on your desk chair. Then, he’ll slowly lurk around the bed. And in 1, 2, 3. The footsteps stop. You hold your breath. The floorboard creaks.
He yanks you from underneath the bed and drops you onto the mattress. You lay there, helpless. But don’t say anything. Suddenly, he drops the knife and, well, you know the rest.
After a night of fun, he’s ready to leave. But don’t pass out yet. Remember, his guard may be down, but yours definitely isn’t. The fireplace stick thing that you left at the side of the bed, grab it and whack him at the back of the head. Grab your cellphone that you remembered to put on the charger this time, and call the police.
The day after Halloween, and you become the hometown hero. You caught the masked killer (who will remain anonymous) and you are now the headline of the local newspaper. Remember, you wanted to create headlines too.
And don’t forget to drop that kid back home to his parents house.